Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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