boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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