My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
