I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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