you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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