New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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