I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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