Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
pray to the hookup gods
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
