My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
there's paper in my vomit.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
