I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
