This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
