mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
