Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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