You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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