i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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