So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
