I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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