i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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