You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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