i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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