You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
