Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
