I am full of burrito and curiosity
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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