I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
As shirtless as possible
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
