I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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