He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
