my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
