sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
