please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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