I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
