They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
