Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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