I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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