Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
