the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
