WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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