just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
birth control should be required to get into college
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize