He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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