Are we in a gay sports bar?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
