I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
