God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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