I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
