the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
