They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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