So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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