We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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