I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
