i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
