There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
