if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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