At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
