12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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