Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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