Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
