Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
