i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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