I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
