Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
