i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
