I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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