I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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