my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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