you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
