I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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