I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
