He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
