Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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