ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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