uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
